Not My Crisis

Many times clients come to me because there is a behavioral issue they are struggling with.

Constantly barking dogs, lunging at other dogs on the leash

Horses spooking, pawing, or “acting out”

One of the first things that I notice is that there is a deep, often visceral, response to the behavior that is triggered in the client. Whenever the behavior happens I can almost feel their stomach clenching, their shoulders tensing, and their breath getting short.

Frequently this cycle ends up getting repeated because we, as humans, begin to anticipate that the thing that causes our pet to act out is going to happen (taking our dog for a walk and seeing another dog, the horse being frightened of <insert thing here>, etc), and without even realizing it our stomachs clench, our shoulders tense, and we’re no longer breathing. Now our pets are on high alert that something MUST be happening, and sure enough as soon as it does they do their thing, and it’s a downward spiral from there.

The behavior may be happening in the pet, but my client’s are having physical responses to that behavior, too. What do you think the pet’s response is when they feel their owner getting tense? Often it’s to do the behavior more. They feel the physical response their owner is having and think “there must be something wrong that I should be worried about here, I need to keep doing what I’m doing.”

Here’s the cold, hard truth: Your pet’s behavior doesn’t have to elicit a response from you.

Let me say that again: Just because your pet is (over) reacting to something does not mean you have to react to it, too.

Wait, what?! My pet is going nuts and I’m terrified they’re going to hurt themselves/someone else/me and you want me to do nothing??

Well, not entirely. But here’s the deal: Your pet (or another person) having an emotional response to something doesn’t automatically mean you have to have a response, too. Someone else’s emergency doesn’t have to be your crisis.

This IS the very definition of holding space for another being.

I am not suggesting that you turn into an ice cold b*tch. Staying centered and grounded during another being’s emotional response is actually one of the kindest things you can do for another being (pet or human). The trick is learning to be grounded and centered enough so that you can separate yourself from your pet’s response.

That can feel next to impossible when your dog is charging at the end of the leash and making it known to everyone within a 5 mile radius that you’re out for a walk (again). Or when your horse is doing their best kite impression on the end of the lead rope threatening to fly to the next county with you attached and everyone on the whole farm is staring (again).

So how do we accomplish this?

It’s simple, but not easy.

Learning to stay present and grounded for yourself is the first step. Whenever your pet does the thing, taking a deep breath before you take any action will help reset your body and energy, and open up room for a different reaction from your pet. This is often enough to change a pet’s behavior in and of itself.

Secondly - have an honest conversation with yourself about what emotions you are feeling in those moments, and then share them with your pet. My horse’s behavior was triggering fear in me. What he didn’t understand was that I was afraid of him, not something else in the environment. Once I got clear about that with myself and him it helped both of us manage our energy better.

Third - recognize that in those moments your pet needs your grounded energy. They are not feeling stable about something, and the only one that has the option to make a change is you. Learn techniques to ground and center yourself (ask me for resources if you want help with this). It’s like dealing with a toddler - if you get angry and your energy gets bigger it will only make the toddler’s temper tantrum last longer. The same goes with our pets, if our energy gets bigger in response to their energy getting amped up, then that’s validating that there’s a reason to be amped up in the first place.

Simple - not easy.

This takes practice. It takes awareness and making a different choice in those moments, which can be hard because our internal triggered response can happen so fast. Remembering to breathe before taking action will have the biggest impact on your pet and the entire situation.

This is something that I am still working to master. Some days I’m better than others. I have had moments where I was aware that my horse was going to spook before he did, and when he did it was like a ripple in the energy and then gone, like a breeze that blew and then disappeared just as quickly. It became a non-event. But there are still days where it takes all of my focus and concentration not to get sucked down the spiral of ping-ponging off each other’s energy.

Start by taking baby steps. Look for situations where both you and your pet can be successful. Every time you live through a situation together you were successful, even if it wasn’t the prettiest in the moment. If even that is too big of a step, work on being grounded and centering your energy away from your pet. Learning the skill independently of your pet will help you be better prepared to put that skill into practice with your pet.

Want to know more? Reach out to me to talk about strategies for your situation with your pets.